Day 4 and the results on my body are already starting to show. The other day my mom brought home a shirt that she wanted me to try. As I was slipping it on, she glanced at my abs. She said those magic words – those words that I haven’t heard since quarantine started.
Hey, you’re coming down.
And suddenly my progress felt real. I have noticed that I have a waistline again, but I wondered if I was kidding myself. Having my mom notice it felt powerful. I honestly haven’t been checking if I’ve lost weight yet, but visual progress is still progress. The shirt slipped over my back and shoulders easily. It looked good.
Despite this progress, before class I was worried. I was a little bit low on energy. Like my mind was having a hard time catching up to what’s going on with my body. I was glad that I have this class only a few days after the last, so that I didn’t get sucked into a negative headspace and could keep pushing forward.
Day 4 of Rokmil: Breaking mental barriers
At the beginning of the session, I hear Milton say that the class is going to be different. A little bit special. I think this means it is going to be a lot of stretching. Perfect Friday wind down to detox from the week and relax into the weekend. I mentally prepare myself for something slow and easy.
What a hilarious mistake.
We start out dancing, we warm up our muscles. And then the shoe drops. Burpees.
All of my sweet little resolutions to keep up and be strong kind of fly out the window. I tell myself not to be competitive, to modify where I need. But let’s get real. I am trying to push forward like a boss.
I am reduced. All I do is keep moving. My self talk gets loud. I thought that I was stronger. I thought that I was better. But I’m tired. I’m slow. I can’t do this.
And then another voice enters the mental conversation. A memory really, a wisp of dialogue with Milton from when I first started the program.
You completely govern yourself.
Being in control of your own workout is hard sometimes. You have to be a kind governor. That means pushing forward sometimes, but also recognizing that every day is different, the energy you bring is different. And today, I started low. I started low, but I was trying to govern myself as if I was running high. I was punishing myself. I wasn’t being good to myself. And my energy was tipping me into a negative headspace.
The Burpees continue. I change the channel. I modify the burpees and shut up that horrible little voice in my head that screams “you’re cheating!”. I use other moves that I know from class. I step from squat to plank because that’s what I have energy for. I keep moving.
Slowly, my mind registers. I keep moving. I don’t stop. Inside, the muscles fire. Energy sparks through me. I go back to Burpees, rejoining the class.
Watching people do 15 minutes worth of burpees, who just keep doing it – what a driver. All I can think is, “wow look how strong people are.” I keep moving even though I would prefer to stop. I can see people getting after it. And that’s always pretty cool to watch.
I also keep track of my heart rate and once again it’s going up higher than I have seen it. My heart rate is usually measured in colors on my watch. Orange for Fat Burn, Red for Cardio, Pink for Peak. And it was pink, red, then pink again. It is a lot higher than I’m used to seeing it. I am in Peak for a full song.
Once I stop stressing about keeping up, I refocus on listening. Milton is calling out a few key muscles during the burpees: lower abs, lower back, hips. I allow my mind to focus on those parts of my body, picture all the power coming from there.
Now, this is a little hard to describe. But I feel my mental energy swirl into those muscles and increase their power. As I focus on them, I feel them support me, move me. I keep my mind and my body focused as I jump forward, jump back.
I can’t hold it for too long, but when I click into that focus it feels like hitting a whole new level.
Checking in with muscle pain after the workout
My neck feels a ton better. I dove into stretching this time. I focused on my neck and my upper back because they have been hurting me so much. At first I thought, you know this isn’t going to work today. I’m just doing a lot of burpees. I am not even doing them all the way. Before I knew it my neck was melting, I felt my range of motion coming back.
You know what’s really great about this workout? I felt that my hips were stretching, I felt that my back body was stretching. I am truly loosening up from pain. I don’t feel like I’m in a cage made up of my own muscles now, which is how I have been feeling. To be perfectly honest I’ve been feeling like my muscles have been solidifying. What I’m loving is that it will help me build new stronger structures and postures that I can continue to improve on and feel better.
A note on the Rok:
I don’t have one. I use a faux-Rok, aka a stool. But it’s not heavy enough. The Rok is weighty enough to support you without moving or creaking. My stool wiggles at the joints, which makes me uncomfortable with putting my full weight on it. As I keep going, I can really see that having a Rok would be better.